Draft : 26th Feb '13
All my life, i always think that i am a good person. Selalu ikut cakap mak ayah. Avoid cakap kasar ngan mak ayah, and it is the hardest thing to do. Dulu kecik2, selalu bilang setiap hari bape kali kena marah ngan mak, and the next day i will do my bes untuk tak dimarahi lagi dah. When i talk to people pun i will avoid using harsh words. Menyumpah, jarang sekali. I do said bodoh or bangang once or twice, but that was all about it. Kadang hati tersentak bila dengar orang cakap kasar because i am not used to it. And i always pride myself for that. Orang kata, dalam hidup ni kita kena jaga hubungan dengan Allah, dengan alam dan sesama umat. And that is what ive been trying to do. I dont want people to hate me or terasa with words that i said.
Tonite, it downs on me that i am not good as i thought. I still talked about people. Masih mengumpat mengadu domba membawa cerita buruk. I do said 'shit' when i drive or something bad happen. Its actually a worst kind of feeling, knowing that u are a bad person.
And sometimes, orang tak paham. When i use different words to convey the meaning of a sentence to avoid the other person of being hurt, i am labelled as bermulut manis. Pandai putar belit. Oh gosh. All i think was tanak dia terasa, i think i am doing a good thing, but apparently thats not how the other person feel.
People dont understand. I am really not a bad person. My yearly resolution is to be nice to people. To not talking bad about others. And on my birthdays, i told myself to be more honest and be more good. But now i
felt like i am going nowhere. Like i am no good at all. Like all my thoughts are filthy, dishonest. My words are all twisty. That is bad. Am i really bad?
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